The Imperial Plan

My initial plan for the Solar Empire is as follows.

BASIC POINTS OF RULE

  • Redistributive GENOCIDE against the rich/seizure of all wealth over $.5 million
  • The takeover of all workplaces by their workers and their transformation into democracies
  • Immediate unification of the planet, by force, persuasion, revolution, bribery, international ragers, a webwork of sexual relations, messaging everyone an mp3 of “Imagine,” a gargantuan massage train, free t-shirts, open Facebook polls, alien invasion, Leftbook drama, joining the Rothschild-Soros conspiracy, and global thermonuclear war
  • All national and planetary laws can be voted on by all citizens of their respective units
  • The immediate meeting of human needs imposed by military force — All world citizens will receive guaranteed food, clean water, sanitation, housing, healthcare, education, firearms and combat training, Internet, state-subsidized provision of laundry, childcare, housecleaning, and sex-work of any gender, beer, porn, drugs, cell service, parking, and access to state-administer ragers, bangers and raves
  • The dictatorship/democracy will consist of all those who have taken and are currently taking psychedelics, because only their perspective is enlightened sufficiently to govern; their dictatorship shall be dedicated to imposing the ingestion of psychedelics on the rest so that democracy can be granted to all
  • Wawas, public bathrooms, water fountains, Wifi, cell service and phone chargers everywhere
  • The instatement of a state religion mandating the usage of psychedelics as holy communion on a monthly basis and sponsoring optional but ostentatious crowd-participatory public spectacles of sexual licentiousness on a regular basis
  • Immediate reallocation of every country’s military budget away from intra-human conflicts, towards a planetary defense grid against the presence of alien spacecraft given credence by the testimony of numerous generals, pilots, and government officials, against the reigning power structure’s policy of passivity and denial
  • Re-legalization of consensual gladiator fights and duels without monetary incentives
  • Serious scientific investment in warp technology research
  • Underwater domiciles for agriculture/recreation
  • We will design an emulator for the original Xbox
  • Everyone will be required to fuck better
  • Riot control will be effected through spankings, figging, massage trains, soothing birdsong, and live ordinance

PLAN FOR AMERICA — THE WAR FOR DEMOCRACY

  • Legalization of cruel and unusual punishment for public officials
  • Legalization of cruel and unusual punishment for individuals of net worth over $500,000
  • The mass execution of any Congress whose approval ratings fall below 20% for a month or longer by a firing squad of space marines
  • Democracy in the workplace
  • Abolish toll roads
  • The right of individuals to vote on national laws — initiative and referendum
  • Nationalization of the 500 largest companies, largest banks, and key infrastructure under the democratic management of their employees
  • The seizure of all corporate media and their transformation into public utilities under direct democratic control
  • The construction of waffle houses in the North and Tim Hortons’ in the South
  • Legalization of narcotics and educational promotion of psychedelics
  • Intermittent interuption of digital billboards with hardcore pornography
  • State-sponsored two-week holiday leave for all citizens in December

PLAN FOR EARTH — THE AMBITION TO REACH THE FUTURE

To be implemented by a cooperating United Nations, cooperating governments, aligned movements of peoples, or newly-established Imperial agencies:

  • Universal basic income for all world’s citizens
  • Extraordinary global taxes and financial elimination of the world’s richest individuals
  • Provisionally establish Wednesday as international board game night
  • Massive investment in global development and infrastructure — develop, connect, and futurize the world
  • A global 100% clean energy grid
  • End hunger through socialization of the food production and distribution system under popular democracy
  • Aggressive funding for the research of extending human lifespan/gene therapy within our lifetime: abolish death!
  • Global abolition of slavery
  • The immediate abolition of all other monarchies in developed nations or compulsion that they swear allegiance to the God-Emperor
  • Smash the competition between nations in space exploration by establishing one global space exploration agency funded by global government taxes on the wealthiest
  • The construction of permanent residential colonies and research facilities on Mars and elsewhere
  • The immediate crushing of any Martian secession terrorist groups
  • Make up for the (possible) lack of a real God (other than Me) by technologically constructing one through Singularity
  • Construction of Space Elevators/Orbital Ring
  • Build Saturngnosis space station, a massive nuclear-armed space cathedral orbiting over Saturn’s hexagonal hurricane, serving as my throne from which I rule the Empire, the religious center of Saturnism, a research station into general space matters as well as Saturn’s hurricane, and possibly doubling as a portal activator and/or superweapon depending on whatever we learn Saturn’s hurricane is or does

PLAN FOR PHILADELPHIA — CITY-STATE SECESSION AND WORKERS’ RIGHTS

  • Set the Philadelphia Parking Authority on fire
  • Continue parking in the middle of Broad Street for 1,000 years
  • Continue littering the sidewalks for 1,000 years
  • Independence from Pennsylvania
  • A Wawa every four blocks
  • Legalization of loitering
  • Abolition of anti-smoking education, legalization of smoking in bars
  • All bars and nightlife venues will stay open til 4AM or whenever really
  • Seize control of Comcast and turn it into a public utility run democratically by workers, providing free service to the region
  • End the School Reform Commission, by setting it on fire if necessary
  • Ban charter schools
  • Rent control
  • Expropriate the Philadelphia power company
  • Review all city contracts and divert them to workers’ cooperatives where possible
  • Establish an interdependent system of workers’ cooperatives in Philadelphia
  • 24/7 trains and trolleys
  • Citywide $15 minimum wage
  • Citywide direct democracy
  • Tax the University of Penn
  • Guaranteed paid sick days

PLAN FOR THE CHURCH — THE FINAL UNITY

Christian laity and clergy will be forced to accept the following or face excommunication from the Church:

  • Regular ingestion of psychedelics as Holy Communion
  • active participation in socialist organizing and acceptance of anti-capitalism as core Christian doctrine
  • polyamory
  • public sex
  • all Christians must become better at fucking or be excommunicated
  • All Christians must accept I, Emperor Saturn, as not only the Pope, but also the human unification and embodiment of both God and Satan on earth…that one’s a doozie
  • all church property will be donated to radical left groups
  • all churches will be occasionally converted to rave halls and allow grind, hardcore, and metal shows in their basements
  • all masses will be converted to gossip sessions about drama on the local Left/Leftbook
  • women can be priests obviously
  • we declare God and Jesus holy aliens
  • we mandate the abolition of Time
  • we mandate the Marriage of Heaven and Hell

PLAN FOR THE LEFT — WIN BY GIVING UP

  • Create open Facebook polls
  • Infight
  • Ineffectually complain about Trump
  • Dismiss massive voting blocs as too privileged to give a shit about, and dismiss coalition-building in favor of dank memes
  • Use increasingly more powerful drugs to blind ourselves to the realities of late stage capitalism
  • If you’re even thinking about the Green Party just get the fuck out of the room right now
  • Dismiss nearly every fucking imaginable tactic
  • Burn ourselves the FUCK out doing real actual class organizing, local issues, and base-building
  • Whine some more
  • Wait for Bernie to save us
  • Vote Republican to stir things up (hey that strategy worked really well!)
  • Throw anti-capitalist RAGERS,
  • Revolt against the state, that seems like an idea
  • Cancerously grow socialist who don’t necessarily do anything but who cares
  • “build movements” whose size seems magically indifferent to how much effort we spend on them
  • “work on legislative issues” under an all-republican Congress
  • Campaign for Progressive Democrats, NOT
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