There’s Not Enough Rich People to Kill, Think of the Children!

Every day as Emperor I try to do my best to assist all the requests I get from the Make a Wish Foundation’s more unusual and hard-to-accomplish wishes.  There was the one who wanted to travel back in time to witness her own conception.  Natural enough, I’ve been there.  In a metaphysical sense I mean, don’t worry mom and dad.  There was the little asshole who told me he “wanted to be alive while dead,” and I told him I’m really not supposed to do that kind of thing, that it was sort of the final riddle of the universe that everything is kind of ultimately about, but that it was technically possible and he had sort of guessed the entire thing and taken a shortcut, so I obliged.  There was another who wanted to see c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.  I sent him a link to Pirate Bay for being a smartass.

But boy, do I get a lot of requests from the kids that they want to perform a point-blank pistol execution on the CEO of a major corporation, or really any random member of the 1%.  This is really popular with cancer-stricken children apparently.  And for some reason this is beyond the legal purview of the Make a Wish Foundation to provide.  You would think the laws would have finally caught up with the basic tenets of civilization and it would be easy enough to drag some nameless unremarkable crime lord out of gutters of our prisons and hand them over to the little tykes for summary termination but apparently no.

However the laws are not the only problem.  It occurs to me that it’s a simple problem of mathematics.  If we actually murdered the entire 1% of the United States, a country of about 300 million people, we would only have about 1 rich person to kill for about every 99 people.  Assuming that every member of the 99% wants to kill a rich person, which is incontrovertibly definite, that means most of us are going to be left out.

Now before the SJW snowflakes get all uppity with me for crimes against humanity, keep in mind, this is only 3 million people we’re talking about, this is basically negligible.

Anyway, there’s a sort of solution, though even still I haven’t worked all the kinks out.  Beatings!  Inflicting a good beating on someone is just as satisfactory as anything.  It’s up close and personal.  You get your anger and aggression out.  It’s actually probably more satisfactory than murder, ultimately.  None of the poor dying children will have their wishes unfulfilled.

So what we do is pass each rich person around to 99 proletarians, so that each rich person has to endure 99 beatings before their death.  This way everyone gets their kicks in.

The real problem I run into here is logistic.  I imagine it’s going to take actually a lot of paperwork and planning and bureaucracy to make sure that every citizen is included in the rotation.

There’s also the minor problem that I imagine sometime over the process of having to endure literally 99 beatings a lot of the wealthy would just attempt suicide and cut the process short, denying the good working class people of America their justice.  The bourgeoisie are treacherous, after all.  I don’t know if you’ve ever had to endure a beating helplessly, but I imagine that having to endure a nearly endless amount of them while knowing you were just going to die anyway would drive many people to suicide.  I say this without even really having endured a single such helpless beating myself, and I’m proposing inflicting a countless amount of them on about 3 million people because the total mass of my ethical audacity is greater than the combined rest of the mass in the universe.  I mean, they do deserve it though, don’t they?  Just revisit this issue when you feel how you feel on a Monday morning — because that’s their fault.

So anyway naturally we’d have to keep them away from sharp objects, ropes, anything they could use to self-harm, etc.  I know Lenin said the bourgeoisie will sell you the rope that you will use to hang them, but in this case we’re actually trying to keep them from hanging themselves.  God, I never thought I would be trying this hard to keep the rich alive!

After all this talk of beatings, I’m almost thinking maybe we just need some therapeutic beatings on each other.  Maybe this is just a ritualistic thing.  Receiving could be just as cleansing as dealing, in a BDSM sort of way, maybe?  Maybe we just need something like the Purge, but non-lethal, and fun, you know?  Maybe this never even had anything to do with class.  Maybe this whole thing was a mistake.  Maybe we all need to sit in a drum circle and sing kumbaya.

…but then I think of the children.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s